All day I feel like something bad is going to happen.

I feel miserable, sad, anxious, nervous, just want to curl up in a small ball and hide so no one can ever see me.  Trying to be sure I eat properly but it is hard.  Just ate an orange and it has seeds and now I am more frustrated than I was before I bothered to peel an eat it, because of the sounds, having to pick loads of seeds, having to hear myself chew it, having to try and get it into my stomach as fast as I can before I just spit it out from teh frustration of trying to chew up the orange slice.  It was like trying to chew up nylon fabric once the orange flavoring was gone, those are some seriously crappy oranges.

I keep watching teh phone, like it will ring.  I had to close the blinds because I feel like I’m in a cage being watched.  I’m not being watched, logically I know that because most of our neighbors aren’t even home today.

I went back to bed for a while and found the intense, vomit inducing guilt was too overwhelming if I stayed in bed to rest a bit.  I had to get up, I couldn’t handle it.  I don’t feel like I deserve to rest, even when I am this tired and feverish.

The guilt over not having done any cardio so far today is getting to me.  I have a fever, I know I should rest but I can’t do it.  I will have to figure out some way to get my exercise in without setting myself sicker because the physical act of just resting and skipping today is proving to be far more damaging than it will be if I just do some mild exercise that takes longer than what I’d normally do to get it all done in 45 minutes.  The 45 minutes version is tough, something I cannot do today.

I can’t just skip it, it’s too much to deal with.

Don’t know if I’m hungry or if I’m just being a lazy slob and wanting to eat because I feel weirded out today.   I don’t know.  Normal time to eat again is in 30 minutes, we have a schedule to make sure we do eat properly all day not only that we log what we eat, online at a calorie count site.    It helps a lot, today it is overwhelming.  Most days I can see the calories remaining and feel a bit like whoa crap, how will I eat all that..  Today I feel like.. whoa crap, if I eat.. I will waste the points so I better not eat until proper meal time.

It makes me want to cry today.

Everything does.

Pet a cat, almost cry.  Fold laundry, almost cry.  Sit on the porch, almost cry.

My husband is out tonight, I think he was concerned if I’d be okay but I told him we’d be fine because we will be.  That’s the thing, deep down I know things are okay and that we are fine, and if we’d just pick something to do.. things will improve.  Despite all that, cannot shake that dread feeling.

Been keeping busy today a lot, but not like a WHOLE lot.. I mean not like I’m cleaning non stop or nothing.

Worried about whether or not family is coming to visit in a month or not, a few months ago they said they might (it’s good family, his side.. they are great) and then nothing.  If I bring it up, they  might think that I’m ready for them to visit.  I will not be, ever.. don’t like people in my home.  Don’t like visiting people, no matter how much I like them.. I like to be in my home.  So don’t know if they are coming, if they are.. I need to clean.  So we are cleaning as if in a month we’re having guests.  Then if we do not, then.. well.. house is clean.

It’s pretty good, just need to make sure everything has a place, you know?  We did a lot of organizing recently so it is okay.  today is not a good day to be cleaning, nothing I do feels like it is good enough

today is just not a good day

what surprises me is that I am not at all bothered at the fact rice didn’t cook properly.  with a bad feeling type day usually stuff like that will upset me, but at the same time.. it is the first time i’ve cooked that style of rice, I didn’t really think it’d come out right.  I thought it’d burn, but it didn’t.. so that was good but it didn’t cook well so it was sort of gross

maybe if i go play ddr, or hula hoop things will feel better

or not

i don’t know

i have to figure out what is for food soon, because first we need to eat.  otherwise we have no energy to do the cardio properly.  i am dreading it, because i do not know what to fix, nothing sounds good at all.

i feel stupid today

Not sure if I can’t wake up properly or if I’m just off today. I can’t tell, but it’s messing the day up!

I know that growing up the “dad” was a member of a lodge, when I see the name of his group I feel off.

Don’t know why, or even how to explain it. Just.. do. If I see someone’s ring or pin with the insignia, or see it mentioned online, I just feel off. It definitely disrupts the village.

I know not all that belong to that same group are bad, so we’re definitely not lumping all in under the same heading.

Just can’t explain the feeling. I don’t like it though.

Time for bed now, we’re behind on comments sorry! Will catch up this weekend.

It bites to be sick.

Keep checking my throat for white spots, but so far none. Still able to eat, drink, breathe so must be just fine.

Having Wednesday set for fun, it is good. It is a day to take a break from the worry and stress, at least.. try to. So many things making the entire village sad these days, it is difficult. It is starting to feel more like hour by hour, rather than year by year in regards to our dearest friend.

So we like to do the Wednesday fun, it helps ease the stress a bit.

We haven’t decided what this week’s fun is. It’s too cold for being outside for long, especially with a sore throat.

Thought about making some flour dough, but then there’s the possiblity they might want to keep the stuff they make. I don’t know about that, I mean it’s not like I want them to toss their art.. no no.. but it’s flour dough, the last experience I had with it.. it drew bugs! UGH!

Don’t need that. So tomorrow we’ll research and see what we find about some recipes. Maybe it can be sealed in clear nail polish, or poly clear spray.

Some have suggested coloring macaroni and stringing it, can’t imagine what they want to do that for but sounds okay to me.

We are all just struggling, it’s tough to focus on anything fun right now.

I’d just really like for them to apologize, and mean it. It won’t heal any hurt, in fact it’ll probably hurt me even more if they’d apologize because that means they’d acknowledge what they did.

I think that someday, it would be a nice thing to know. That they’re sorry.

Things are tough right now, one of the people I turn to in life is so ill. I keep thinking she’ll get better, but she isn’t. For a few days last week things were better, but now.. not so much.

Here we have a woman who is so kind, so caring, she’s been motherly to me for years. She truly cares, and she’s so sick and she’s dying. Things are going much quicker now

Then on the other side of the story we have two people who spent years abusing us, and they’re alive and healthy (assumed healthy at least).

How is this fair?

How is it that the kind, caring, lovely woman is so ill. Yet the hateful, uncaring, ugly woman is still allowed to live her life with glee? (assumed glee)

I don’t know.

It isn’t fair. I still need her in my life Why don’t I get a say in it all?

Why can’t she be well?

Got to get a grip, want to call her but I can’t be crying on the phone. I do my best to not upset her more, I cry after we hang up. She knows I cry, she knows I’m sad.. but the few calls we do have, I like them to be fun.. it is good for both sides of the line.

I love when she gets on a good rant about Hell’s Kitchen, she’s hilarious. Can’t help but laugh when she starts going on about the crap that was cooked and how Gordon yelled at them, and how many times the tv went BEEEEP and some blurred mouths. Then JP just looks like hw ants to stab someone with a fork every episode at some point.

That’s funny.

My friend apologized to me, for being ill, for not feeling up to emails and chats, for being sad, or tired.. why does she apologize? I tell her there is nothing she needs to apologize for, truly there isn’t. That’s not just something to say because it sounds like the “right thing to say”. She apologizes..

My heart breaks a little bit more every day these days.

Why is it every time we open up, write about the past that is supposed to remain secret, we’re hit with horrid nightmares?  Had a horrible nightmare I think it was two nights ago, hard to remember since we’ve taken naps and that always throws things off.

Got it behind a “more” just so if you don’t want to read it, you don’t have to.

This did not really happen, it’s just a nightmare that appeared in sleep.  Just want to make that clear.  It’s a dream, a horrible one, but still just a sleep induced dream.

In the dream we’re here in this house, someone rings the doorbell.  I peek out the window and see someone.  The face is one I recognize, despite all the years, as being the mom.  For some idiotic reason, we open the door thinking that it’s okay to.. since the screen door is always locked.  It wasn’t.  She had this serious, almost emotionless look.  The “I’m on a mission” type look in a way.  We opened the wooden door, she opens the screen door while standing on the porch with her left hand.  Her right arm raises and she has a shotgun.  You know the kind like on Bugs Bunny cartoons, where Elmer is lugging around his shotgun chasing after wabbits.  That’s what she had.

In the dream I remember thinking, she’ll have to step back if I shut the door.  I jammed it shut, locked it, and ran all in a panic trying to remember where the phone was.  Called for help, and in the dream the sirens came.  The neighbor’s came out and were trying to get me to open the door.  The lady on the phone was trying to convince me to open the door and I wouldn’t because I told her.. she might be working with the mom and this isn’t the day she’s gonna get me.  I kept telling the lady on the phone that this was all because I blogged online about some of the horrible things they’d done to me.  She asked if I used real names and I said no, I didn’t want them to google their own names and find where I posted info.  So she said how about we do a code phrase, you tell me.. I’ll tell a person of your choice.. we’ll call them.  They’ll come to the door and say the phrase.

So that’s what we did in the dream.  We gave her a goofy phrase, she called the neighbor because being a small town.. of course everyone has everyone elses number apparently in the dream.  Then he came to the porch and called for us, saying the phrase repeatedly until I opened the door.

They had the weapon already in a giant evidence bag, which I kind of thought was funny.  Then because she was screaming and flailing, they not only cuffed her wrists, but her ankles, then she kept trying to kick the cop so they made her lay on the ground and used cuffs to connect her ankles to her wrists.  That also was really funny to see.

She never shot the elmer fudd gun.

It has creeped me out for two days now.

The thing is I should have known better that it wasn’t real, but I just can’t shake the creepy feeling of it all.  First off, there’s a few things wrong with the dream.  We don’t have a doorbell.  We always keep the screen door locked unless we’re out in the front yard to watch it.  In the dream there was alot of house plants.  They weren’t all barely surviving, they were super great looking.  Come on.. if you saw my plants you’d know how much proof that is that it was a dream.

It weirds me out a bit.. a lot.. a whole lot actually.

My husband assures me that we’re safe, and everything is okay.  Just the same, I won’t be answering the door if I’m home alone, even in the day time.  Wish my plants looked that great though.

Today was just a very tired day. Too worn out to write about anything.

It was fun playing with the finger paints! Kind of gross too, it’s like shoving around a giant pile of boogers. Had to add a little water to it, just a wee tiny bit and mix it up. Not that we’ve ever had experience in shoving masses of booger around though, just want to clarify that! We divided the recipe into two bowls and dyed it with food coloring. Then took out some of our artist boards and worked on those so we can hang them up later.

The stuff is drying really slow, hopefully it actually stays stuck to the board. Poking it and it feels like drying boogers. Yuck.

Actually not really sure how we’ll hang them, maybe some string and duck tape on the back. That sounds like a good plan.

Going to make some more once they decide on some designs and colors they’d like to do. Probably not today though, they’re figuring out what other fun things they want to fill the day with in between getting exercise in.

Part of our exercise is playing DDR and hula hooping, so that ranks high on the fun charts too.

I think having a fun day has made a huge difference in the internal mood. Playing video games, finger painting, watching cartoons.. some are things we do daily but having a day just for this stuff is really nice.

It’s not fair that they never get a day, you know?

Not many memories of pets, but the ones I do have make me sad.

I’ve cut the post so it is there to read if you so choose.  It’s not happy, pleasant, or something I would like to even remember.  If you decide to read it, please keep in mind this is a horrible set of memories.  It upsets me a lot.

I remember vaguely going to pick the first pet, a puppy out.  Someone the mom knew had a dog that’d had a whole load of puppies.  I remember liking one dog but the daughter of that family was pretty insistent it wasn’t going to be mine.  There was another we liked too.

I don’t remember actually picking a dog out officially, but we had one suddenly.  No memory of it coming home, no memory of any time together really.

The back yard was fenced, but there was a gap on the driveway.  This dog could leap over that gap apparently, it was built higher and higher with plywood.  Why could he supposedly leap over that plywood temporary wall but not over the fence?  Fence was lower, yet supposedly this “bad dog” as they liked to say, would leap over.  That’s what they said, I never saw it.  He was kind of small, and if he was small to a very tiny child.. then he must have been pretty darn small.

I was a very small child.  I sometimes wonder if maybe I had an undiagnosed genetic disorder.

Cannot remember playing, walking, feeding.  I’m sure we did, but I don’t know how long we had him.  It was maybe a day, a week.. a month.. I don’t know, the time reference just isn’t there.

The fence was carefully locked, every day.  This is why I think maybe it was a very very short time, it feels like there wasn’t enough time to make a mistake one day and leave th gate open.

The road was always little to no traffic late at night.  Could always hear when the dad got home, car was loud.  Probably the only car on the road during that time. Very late at night, rarely if ever was actually asleep.  If I was lucky enough to get to be in bed to rest, sleeping wasn’t an option.  Had to always be vigilant, even then.

The gate wasn’t open.

The car in the driveway, lights go out.  Door slams, dog starts whining/barking.   Then he is quiet.  Car starts and is on the road.  Next morning gate is open, I look for the dog.  He is dead, in the trashcan at the road.

The dad got up and said “Oh if you’re looking for your dog, he’s dead.”  No emotion, no expression of apologies, no expression of concern or care for the pain it caused us.   Your daughter’s dog is killed and as a father you show no emotion?  No concern for the heartache, no concern for anything?  Said the dog must have ran in the road and someone just threw him in the trash can.
Oh he did show concern.  Told me to hurry up and get it into a plastic bag so that it didn’t keep ruining the trashcan.  Then go wash it so that there wasn’t going to be flies drawn to it.  I could just vomit when I remember.

The mom showed some emotion, I vaguely remember she was angry but I don’t think it was at us.. but then she went inside and never said another word about it.

I know what happened now.

I never have owned a dog since.  The brother had a dog eventually, but it was more the mom’s dog.  I assume she kept it after he moved out.

There were the cats.  The dad would say “Oh yeah, your cat’s dead.” and on the porch would be a portion of the cat.  His answer was simply, “Stray dog must of bit it’s head off.”   Once, he had me near to convinced that I had beheaded my own kitten.  Now I know it isn’t true, he’d done it.  I neer understood why a dog would do that to a cat, but leave all the parts there on the porch.

I’ve seen cats get hold of a bird, they don’t neatly leave parts on my porch.  They usually leave the butt.  I don’t know why, but the cats here just do.  It’s gross.  I wish they’d stop, but a cat doing it versus a human, it’s different.  Still gross, but different.

Lots of strays in the area I grew up in.

There was that kitten.
There was a yellow cat
There was another stray kitten that had only been around a day.
There was the striped one
There was the white one
There was a few others in various colors

They all died or went missing.  I realize now most of them by beheading or car.  I used to think maybe it was my fault, because I must have done something to make them want to harm my pets.  No, today (we’ll see about tomorrow) I am positive we did nothing wrong.

Monsters harm animals like that.  We’re not a monster.
Therefore, logical answer states.. the monsters who harmed me did the harming to the ptes too.

There were the bunnies.  Cannot write about that right now, cannot even look at photos of when they were alive without intense grief setting in.  Maybe there is an old blog entry, I don’t know.  I think I maybe wiped all of them at the start of the year.

We had fish.  Fish are kind of not so great of pets.  Cleaning a tank is a real pain in the butt.  We had them though and it aws fun to watch them.  Came home from school to find all my fish dead and all on the floor.  The mom said they’d commited fish suicide.

Now I have had fish leap out, right before my own eyes.  These fish were in a tank with a lid.  Like screen door type stuff in a frame.  You know, so they get air but don’t leap out.  I don’t think little neon fish can push that aside when it’s held down by books.  Maybe they can.  Probably not.

The gold fish died too, came home and their tank smelled like bleach.

There were the other random fish at various times.  Death by leaping, death by bleach, death by whatever chemicals ended up in the tank.

There was my brother’s hamster, maybe that one just died of hamster age.  Maybe not.  I don’t think so.  I can’t be for sure but I could almost swear that they said the hamster died because he fell down the stairs.  I don’t think that’s right though, I can’t figure out why that’s in my head.  Can’t say for sure if I believe the hamster died of age or forced.  I’d lean more toward forced, in light of everything else I remember.

We never had birds, snakes, guinea pigs, nothing like that.  I don’t recall any pet mice, lizards, or anything else.  Yet it is slowly sinking in that they killed every one of my pets.

How could I take their lies of “car hit it” and “old age” and “ran away” at face value?  What was I, stupid?  They’d see me grieving, crying my eyes out for days, and show no emotion.

You know how on those crime shows, they show the person they’re hunting for and they say they’re cold, emotionless, and they all have a specific type of eyes it seems?  Yeah that’s how the dad is.  I know this might sound silly but every now and then I check America’s Most Wanted and the FBI watch list to see if he’s on there.

Sometimes I even go check the sex offender’s list for his state to see if maybe he’s been busted about something.  But nope.  Her either, nothing on her on any sites.

I guess if I can’t find anything about them, and I’d consider us a pretty darn good internet user.. the chances of them finding us are pretty low.. probably not at all.

So here we have two “parents”.

They sexually abuse me.
They verbally abuse me.
They emotionally abuse me.
They physically abuse me.
They neglect me.
They torment me.
They harm my pets.
They brainwashed me.
They let others do all the above to me.

Tell me… why exactly was I thinking maybe I was just cracked in the head and wrong about everything?  Why was I thinking maybe I was wrong, and in effect ruined the only chance to have real parents?  Oh man.. self doubt is a kicker.

Made this recipe instead, the original version

Finger Paint Recipe

Waiting on it to cool to colorize it. Going with pink and blue.