Hey, does the email that I see when you post comments, is that one I can emai you an image? :)  I will send you a picture of what I painted and some other stuff too if you’d like!  Photographs and kinetic art, and the one we did this week of the village

The anxiety built up so bad I almost did not go

I am glad I did, it was TONS of fun.  I actually have a painting, now it’s just partial.. but I like it enough that I could frame it now and be very proud of it.  But next weekend I think I’ll bring it back and try to work on the lighting.. and then I think the plan is for me to start a new board to practice again with starting a new one.. this weekend I was the only one there, but a few others came into the gallery to inquire about classes so maybe next weekend more will be there!

But it was great, not at all scarry like I expected.. and it was fun and he said I should paint how I should paint.. not how someone tells me, but how *I* feel it should be done.  The colors, everything is my choice.. he’s going to teach me how to mix colors and how to see.. how to see what’s there.. and I learned tons.. I need help with lighting and shadow, and seeing the colors.. I don’t see what he sees, it may be a result of eye problems but then again it is likely his many years of experience so he can pull color from stuff rather than just seeing what is .. well.. there..

that sounds silly

but.. am very very very very proud of myself I did go!!

They don’t know the whole me, not exactly.. I don’t hide it but I don’t tell either.  I just.. hang out.

I got invited, last night in Second Life (a virtual world), to show my art.  I was specifically instructed to go scan in some more work and get it in world!    We have a couple pieces, just hand drawn computer colorized art.  Just dorky little pieces that no one ever sees really.  They’re displayed but not exactly like “HEY LOOK AT THIS!”

People are starting to see our stuff we do, and it makes me feel.. I dunno.. great.. but see that doesn’t quite describe how great it feels to be told my work is good and be asked to show more.  I was honest, I told them I was queasy about it.. but that I’d do it.

They were real nice about it, it’s all for fun.. not serious or anything.

Just.. still.. to be asked!!  It’s ohmygosh!!  YAY!!

Struggling today and yesterday.. I am starting to get very worried maybe his parent’s don’t like me.  I know they sent tha tnice email and said that they do care and they do love me, no matter how I am.. and that they are okay with it.  But.. no other emails, and well.. usually I’d get some emails.  He says they’re probably just super busy, and it’s probably true being end of the school year and all.  It doesn’t help the worry though to think that maybe they just don’t like me.  He says that’s just silly, they love me and they are just busy.

Trying to convince myself that it is true, because it probably really is.  They whould not have sent a nice email like they did if they didn’t mean it.  That’s just not how they are.  Still yet, I dunno.. guess I gotta hav esomething to worry about it seems bleh.

Doing good on the new meal/exercise plan.  Lost some weight already, probably just water weight but still is good to see it change.  Change by going down, not by going up.  Eating better, eating new things, new recipes.. gtting support from others whoa re also losign weight.. that all helps.

Gathering up stuff this afternoon for the art display.. most of my stuff was scanned or already in photograph form so that makes i teasier.. I am very excited about this.  There will be a lot of artists I think, and I’m going to be one of them!

Don’t know why.

Feel.. just.. stressed.  Hopped on the trampoline to the point I’m too tired to hop anymore, feel like I should be doing something but I don’t know what.  I should go empty and reload the dishwasher but yeah, that’s not getting done at the moment while I sit here.

Don’t have anything I must do until Sunday, other than the diet site notes that we take daily now. That’s hard work actually.  But so far so good.  I feel annoyed and I don’t know why.  Not about anything, just.. in general.. grouchy.  The pain is getting worse cause the weather isn’t letting up.

I made the mistake of loading CNN and saw the headlines, I was meaning to check a different site.  Is the world falling apart or is it just that news is so easy to come by that it’s all posted at once?  There’s so many earthquakes, tornados, fires, deaths, illness.. is it always like this?

Maybe that’s what’s got me so stressedo ut.  Our world is a sad place it seems.

Why not a good news site, what would be the harm in letting people see a news article about the nice people who helped a kid, the nice people who didn’t harm an animal, the nice towns who planted trees to make things nicer.. why not that stuff?

Why always about the little kids with the guns, the drugs, the murders.. not trying to downplay those, all those effected by that stuff are obviously suffering.. and it’s not just the parents who suffer, it’s the friends, the schools, the community, the world because we all hear about it.  I just want to hear nice stuff sometimes.

I want to be able to read and think “You know, it’s nice that there’s a kid who went to school and on the way helped a lady cross the road with no expectation of anything.. just did it because it’s nice to help.”

But nope.

Just crap.

Someone dies.  Someone else killed them.  Someone else does this or that to their kids, family, pets, neighbors, coworkers, enemies, strangers.  Someone is always doing something bad and the world is drowning because of it.

I’m tired.  I’m in pain.  I need to just erase CNN off my browser I think.

Oddly enough, I do not crave sugar.  Normally when I am in pain or stressed, I think only of chocolate or doughnuts.. but I just realized.. I think about sugar and it’s a.. “eh.. whatever..” feeling.  I’m not even hungry.  Kind of struggling to get the water amount down that’s requird but I’m trying.

Soooo much bad weather lately, we’re stuck indoors for the most part.

It sucks.

Today was a brave day, and although the day is not over, I’m too pooped to do anything.  Went for a walk yesterday with my husband, about 1/2 a mile total.  Not very much really, but considering I never go for walks.. I’m proud of it.

Today was a really brave day though, went for a walk alone since he was at work.  Took ID, inhaler, keys, and cell.  Put on a jacket and walked the same path.  To the sign, turned around and came back.  Felt a little silly walking to the sign and spinning right around to do a return walk but well.. it’s okay I guess.  People probably who did see, knew it was for fitness and not to just go look at the sign for a split second.

Really tired though, the weather is taking it’s toll.  Lack of sleep last night and an interuppted nap today does not help.  Had to get up this morning before pills were totally through doing their sleep work, and a nap was really awful too.  Just couldn’t get comfortable, then the phone rings again ohmygosh!

Wakes me up and bam.. now I’m only half awake.

We are doing good so far, granted it’s only been two days.. but two days is better than no days.  Drinking enough fluids, it is very very hard to do but I am doing okay.   I have a lot more fluid to get down today to meet the goal of at least 64 ounces.   Ate a proper breakfast each day now, proper lunch, and dinner.  Well dinner is tougher, since we signed up the day after getting groceries so well.. next week will be better.  More variety and easier to follow menus.

Food is a difficult thing, so is the water.  I is tough to eat, but am hoping the new menus and having them spelled out for me will help.  We even have access to a nutritionist if there’s any problems.  This is great.  They even give me exercises to do, and recommendations for other excercise based off the things I have here at home.  Rebounder, bike, those weight thingys that weigh like 1 pound each.. I forget what they’re called but i like them.  It won’t be no time till I need to adjust to heavier ones.  I think I’ll just fill bottles that once had water, in with sand or something to make them weigh what I need.  Same size, and cheaper that way

But doing so far so good.  Not doing this alone, have the support of people on the forum there too which si good.  I could not do this alone, have tried atkins and it made me sick and then tried south beach and quite honestly could not stand the recipes in the book so did recipes off the forum I found but maybe I did it wrong.  Was always under the impression that if you’re not losing, you can’t have bread and are supposed to cut back on fruits.. but I dunno.. I cut bread and rice out and still ate fruit some

Now on this menu plan, I eatfruit, I get rice, bread.. seriously.. I had rice today and man.. it was so good.  Brown rice cooked in chicken broth with peas in it.  Sounds kinda gross, doesn’t look so hot.. but man was it ever good..

I cannot believe it, the entire village agrees.. it was good.  Food that was good.

While the body is sore from health problems, and feeling in general like crap..  there is  noticeable change since eating different.  Just.. feel better in a way.  This is going to be a hard road, getting used to eating the different things and not feelin g like when I eat, this intense crushing guilt that I just broke my diet.

Instead, this stuff is allowed..  it’s not as restrictive as past diets.  This is just real food, it’s stuff that’s healthy.. stuff I can eat..

I haven’t wanted sugar in two days.. that’s a first in a long time.

I think I can be brave for a short walk every day.  Not in the rain, but otherwise yup!  I think I’ll walk the other direction though, because walking back home up hill is REALLY painful on the calf muscles!  I almost couldn’t go up the steps when I got home hah!  I wobbled.

The other way is flat I think… it looks flat, only walking will really tell.. at worst.. I’d walk up hill on the first half and slightly downhill on the way home.  I like that better.  I’ll google map a route for tomorrow for biking and one for walking.

This makes me feel like I’m more in control of the food I eat.. without having to revert to the very very bad habits we once had.  Weight is a problem for me, I see myself heavier than I really am according to those who know me, I have serious issues trying to just eat.. and not eating makes things worse.  This is hard.. very hard.  It’s just just a matter of eating too much, it’s a matter of strugglign to eat enough.  Wouldn’t think it by looking at me though.

I couldn’t watch it all in one sitting.  To see that evil man on the stage, to see his pathetic, hateful, evil smirk.  The eyes, the weight, the height, the smirk.. mostly the smirk.  Wooo… I almost couldn’t watch it.  I think Steve said something, asking how the guy can just stand there and smirk.

How can he, did the guy actually ever answer?

The dad would smirk.  Never smiled, never laughed.  Just.. smirked.  The same creepy eyes, the same creepy smirk.  It’s not the same person, obviously.  They must subscribe to the same level of evil though.

The smirk.. while I cannot remember what he looks like, I remember so clearly the incessant smirk, the creepy eyes, the fat.  The huge amounts of fat he carried.  Being heavy most certainly does NOT make someone bad, weight has nothing to do with how a person is.  It’s just simply the fact that that guy on stage reminded me far too much of the male person of the house I grew up in.

I want to vomit just thinking about it.

Just.. the smirk.

I never saw anyone do that before aside from the one person who tortured me all growing up.  That smirk.. you don’t forget something like that, no matter how hard I try.. it’s there.  That preson on stage had the same exact smirk.

What the heck..

He said the exact same things, he behaved the exact same way.  That little girl was crying her heart out, screaming at him, and he evoked no emotion other than smugness.  It’s that same “I’m better than you” smirk I saw every day of my life growing up.

The smirk that says “No one will believe you.”

The smirk that says “You’re worthless.”

The smirk that says “You can’t get away.”

The smirk that says “I know what I’m doing.”

That smirk.

I hate him for all he did to me.

I cannot forgive.  I feel guilt because I cannot forgive, but I can’t.  I cannot be the better person in this and just let it go, just forgive.  It eats at me every day, my entire life is destroyed because of what they did.  I do what I can to get past things, to move on, to live my life and not be crushed by it.

I can’t just let it all go.

Just want them to admit what they did.  Just want them to say they are sorry, and truly mean it.   I just want them to no longer cause me fear, pain, sadness.  I just want to know why.

That smirk..

I want it out of my head.  I want it all out of my head.

I want to know why.

I’m kind, I’m smart, I’m creative.  Why treat me like that?

It horrifies me every day to realize I could have ended up like the woman in Austria.  I was so close to ending up locked in the cellar.  The thing is, it wasn’t going to be a secret room.  The mom knew the plan all along, she knew the secret plan that I did not realize.  She knew, she’d of known.. she knew I was to be locked down there to be kept from public eye for their own acts.

SHE KNEW!

WHY THE HELL DIDN”T SHE TELL ME TO RUN!?

I hate her too.

I try to tell myself.. she didn’t know, maybe she has MPD and wasn’t able to see it all, maybe she just really is crazy maybe it’s not MPD maybe she’s just not all there.  I try to tell myself that she couldn’t have known, because if she did she’d of rescued me.

She knew.

She gets no forgiveness.

I hate her too.

I hope that they’re being eaten away from the inside out over what they’ve done.  Can they forget what they’ve done?  Can they move on?  Can they let it go, block it all, pretend life was nice?  Can they forget?

I can’t.

I want to and I can’t.

I hate them.

You guys really do cheer me up with the comments (except for tool who keeps spamming me about toyotas, dude.. I don’t drive so stop bugging me about it.)

Well today I took the plunge adn signed up at Ediets.  I don’t have anyone who’s doing weightloss with me, while a friend wants to lose weight.. her health and all she really just can’t be going on a weightloss plan.  I mean sure everyone could use a better meal plan to eat healtheir, but with her health problems she really needs to see a doctor first.

So I got a discount email so I signed up, the site says if I follow.. I could lose 10 pounds in a month.  I doubt it, but we’ll see.  But I have to say there’s a tremendous load of stress off now.  I thought about this site for like 2 years now but never signed up.  I couldn’t convince myself that paying someone else to tell me what to eat, what excercise to do, and what groceries to buy was worth it.

Well crap yeah it is so far!  Day 1 and I love it.

They give me lists.

Lists of what recipes are good for my menu, if I don’t like something then I just load up a new one apparently.  There is one for the upcoming week I have to find and remove, as the shopping list shows sesame oil and I can’t have that.  Well I could, but it causes asthma problems so I’ll just skip it.

There’s a list on what to do today for exercise.  A big problem for me is not knowing when, how much, what to do.  I trampoline daily, usually two or three times a day for about 20 minutes each.  One I really concentrate, the other times I hop in the day are mostly just to burn off anxiety.  It helps some actually.  I hula hoop, I have a bike, and once I get a bit stronger I may start in taking walks.  Though I feel safer on a bike, like.. quicker get away.  We are in a very safe town, not that it means I let my guard down, but it is safe to walk.

I just don’t know if I want to walk along in silence, might be about time to finally scope out an mp3 player.  I never thought I’d really want or need one.  I mean no one NEEDS one I guess, but it’d make walks more fun.  Biking, I wouldn’t use it.  I need to hear everything, but I could walk along I think with music in one ear.

Well there’s lists for strength, cardio, blah blah blah.

There’s forums!  They do challenges, like challenge to drink enough water, support, chatting, they all seem to know each other pretty well too which is neat.

There’s tons of recipes!

I’m tired of the same stuff every week, except for the eggplant.. dude.. I love that recipe so much hehe.  I change it up now and then but mostly it’s just real basic, I love it!  Normally it’s the same stuff, sometimes 4 days a week it’s the same thing.

I don’t like food all that much to begin with, and having the same meals was just easier.  Get it over with you know?

Well hopefully I can lose some weight, feel prettier, and now with others around who are losing weight too and working toward the same goal of getting healthier.. maybe it will be less depressing.

Alone, to the corner restaurant to get icecream.  It’s such a small, minor thing to many people but for me it is a huge thing.  Pretty stinking proud of myself

I watched the Steve Wilkos for today, I am so proud of those two for confronting their dad.  They were so brave, truly brave.  I’m very impressed.  I don’t think I could do that.

No real point in me confronting those who harmed me, they’d just deny it and I think that would make the hurt even worse.  To know that despite all the time and all the things they did, to know that they’d just deny it.

Maybe they’d admit and be honest, but I doubt it.

They’d give me that same ol’ crap spewage of “We believe that you believe that we did these things.”

What the heck kind of crap is that.  Crap with a capital C!  That’s what.

I feel pretty brave today.

What would I say to them if I had a nice, safe environment in which to confront them?  Neutral turf, with several big tough people around to really lay a butt kicking down if necessary on them.  Hmm..

I think I’d ask why.

Why did they do those things?

Why didn’t they listen to me?

Why didn’t they like me enough as one human to another human, to resist causing me harm?

Have they suffered any, despite their repeated denials, deep down do they suffer from the knowledge of what they did?  Does it eat them daily?  Do they have nightmares?

Really, do they have nightmares?

Do they have fears that maybe one day I’ll find them?  I have fears that one day they will find me and continue the pain, continue to harm me for the fact I tell the world (even if somewhat anonymously) about what they did.  Do they fear that I will find them?

Are they afraid of me?

Do they think I’m crazy, as in completely off my rocker, in need of being in a sanitarium, crazy?  Did they really, truly think tha tof me then?  I know they said it, but did they think it truly?

Are they happy?

I’m happy.  I’m scared of many things, I’m terrified of being harmed by them again, but overall.. I can honestly say I am truly happy.  I want to be braver, less afraid, stronger.  I want to be more social and less like a dork when talking with people, but in the end it boils down to one thing:  I am happy.

I don’t think they are.  They weren’t happy then.  People are just happy, I mean not everyone but like.. my  neighbors, they are happy people.  Their pets are happy animals too.  People at the store, people I see riding my bike (I mean as in I’m riding, and I see them.. not that they are seen riding on my bike), they’re all happy.  Sure life sucks, things happen, there’s sadness.  They’re happy though, you can see it in their eyes that they have happiness somewhere in there.

Growing up, I never saw one minute of happiness in that house.  I had happy times, but that’s not the same as seeing them be happy people.  They never showed happiness in their eyes, their smiles were vacant and forced, I just do not remember them laughing over something really funny.

The dad never laughed that I can remember.  If he did, it was perhaps a snide laugh.. not a happy one, more of insulting.  I don’t remember him smiling, laughing, his eyes were never happy.

Her eyes were always dull, but there were times where she smiled and I think it was a real smile.  She laughed at times, but it just never seemed to be.. happiness.

I’d ask them, are you happy?

Really, truly, despite debt, despite gas prices, despite health ailments.. are you really and truly forever happy?

I’d ask them when they got married.  Truly, not what they claim, but when did they really get married.  No need to hide behind silly social outcast worries, truly.. when did they get married in relatoin to when I was born.  I want to know.  It’s a silly thing to wonder about, it doesn’t really matter.  It does to me a bit though, it’s just another thing I think they lied about.  If they’d lie about that, then they lie about everything else too.

I’d ask them if I am really their genetic offspring.  Am I just hers, am I both of theirs, was I swapped in the hospital, was I a black market baby?  I just cannot bring myself to believe they are both genetically my “parents” and yet they hated me so much.   Sometimes I suspect I am actually the child of someone else in the family, given to them to raise to prevent “family embarrassment”.

I don’t know what else I’d ask.

I’d probably not get to any of those because when I’d ask why, they’d just deny.

Cannot ask them questions about stuff they claim did not happen.

They’re criminals who have just never been caught.  That’s all there is to it.

But, I am very proud of the brother and sister on Steve Wilkos today, you two are awesome.  I am sorry that loser of a “father” did not own up to his crap, not even at that stage of poor health.  You two will be okay though, you both were so strong and so brave.  Just very proud of you both.  Braver than me :)  Thank you for going on the show, you’ve made me just a little bit more brave.  Just because that deadbeat denied, didn’t make it untrue.

Just cause the “parents” deny what they did to me, doesn’t make it untrue.

Now if only I can remember that the next time when I am not feeling so brave.